Change

Change is inevitable. Most say it is the only constant thing in the world. For me, it is something I long and dread. I long for it in a sense that new stories will be written, new connections will be started and new things will be experienced. I dread it because I basically need to restart everything- from finding friends, learning stuffs and getting comfortable with the new "life".

I took a BIG risk for resigning on my first job without even having a "back-up plan". So here I am, having all the time in the world pondering even small things left unnoticed by others.

My stay for 9 months in Samsung was a roller coaster ride, literally. There were times I just wanna stop and seize the moment when I see my subordinates' smiles after a long day of hard work and repairing of equipment; but hey there were also times I wish I could just vanish in thin air especially when the effluent water is not that 'good' and there is surprise visit from a government body.

As they say, you just can't have it all. It took a lot of thinking, internalizing and reflecting before I decided it's time to say goodbye. The experience I got handling the wastewater facility was priceless, but sometimes it's just not enough. We seek for more, things we have to discover outside of what we currently have.

I will be forever grateful with my wastewater family. The lessons I learned from them will always be remembered.

At control room with wastewater family

In Samsung, I was also able to find friends who'll stick with you through thick and thin. Friends who will stay true and real. I know leaving the company won't mean the friendship will be terminated. As I quote again, "absence make the heart go fonder". I am confident that the distance won't be a hinder to making the friendship stronger.

Farewell party at Archie's place

with shuttlemate, breakfastmate Bop

with fridaymates at Padi's SM North

My last ilink with Facilities, Environment & Safety

TQP batchmates dinner at Shakeys

Leaving Samsung is just leaving the company. The relationships I made with my coworkers won't be gone. I may be miles away from them but there's always a way to catch up with them.

I welcome CHANGE now with open arms. I might not be that ready but I will try to cope, to learn again and to start things over. What I experience in Samsung will forever be an integral part of what I am today.

on dreams and plans

Have you ever experienced waking up with so many ideas that you gotta write it down because you might get so overwhelmed and forget the simplest detail of that random thoughts?

Well, I was bombarded with a lot of juicy plans this morning. It felt good that my resignation has a positive effect on me. (Yes, I already resigned, and is currently job hunting) The reason for me to leave my first company deserved a separate blog entry.

Anyway, I must say that this is really the first serious time that I plan about my future- what I really want to have/do n years from now. For my short term goal - I want to have a work. By WORK, I want it now to be something I'm doing because I love it, not just because I have to gain experience or simply because it's related to my course. I don't wanna make the same mistake, gotta learn. :) I wish for my next work to be something that totally fits my personality- that must include working with a lot of people without compromising my technical skills. About compensation, yes, I must say money matters now. I want it also to be manila bound (I got tired going south).

I realized that I really want to be independent, Gosh I'm turning 24 next year. I want to own a condo unit (rent to own). I have to learn how to do laundry, cook for myself, budget my money, and the lists continue. By being independent, I want to learn to be happy because of what I do not just because my family, friends or somebody special is doing something for me. I gotta learn to love myself more. Nobody can take good care of me better than myself.

Lastly, I wanna practice my driving skills. Would you believe I learned how to drive since 17 years old, but my dad is too afraid to give me the key and execute my "skill"? haha. So I really wanna own a car, drive around the metro with my wheels and enjoy my life to the fullest.

By the way, these ideas are very ideal, but mark my word that I will achieve this one by one. I was never this driven since I plan to pass the board exam last November 2010.

So Good Luck to me :)

Big things come in small packages

Hello 2011!

After several months had passed, this would be my first post for the year. Wonder what happened? I had neglected my hobby of writing. I was too busy doing things that I sometimes think took the fun, youthful me.

What now?

I am truly blessed to have a job that fits perfectly to what I took in college. I am a Wastewater Engineer (although I sometimes play as the Environment Engineer) of a Korean owned semiconductor company. I was finally able to find the path I have to take. Being able to be with the company for almost 5 months taught me a lot of things (not just technical stuffs but also with what's happening in real life).

I must admit the compensations I get is not that big compared to what my friends have with their respective companies, but hey no worries, as long as I love what I'm doing, I'll stick with what I have right now.

Choosing this kind of work, made me aware of things that I took for granted before. Those realizations are the following:
1. Importance of complying.
2. Value of Loyalty.
3. Dirty Politics.
4. Choosing your peers.
5. Difference of Knowing and Learning.
6. Worth of Money
7. Want and Need aren't exactly the same.

and the long lists of line will continue. I will not expound but you will hear from me (maybe soon) discussing those stuffs.

Until then. :)

What am I?

I was truly grateful to passed the November 2010 licensure Examination. It took me almost 7 months to finally get the title of an Engineer. Thinking of it now, what is really lined up in front of me? What path should I really take? I have really no idea what career should I get for my life. There are numerous ideas playing inside my head on what to do. Maybe that is the reason why I cannot choose. I tend to make things complicated even if the answer might just be in front of me. I want to find my passion, what do I really enjoy doing. I am hoping that maybe through that I can manage to find answers.

On the other hand, I tend to write blogs whenever I feel something that I cannot disclose to anyone. So surely, I'm feeling something now as I write this one but this time around it's hard for me to pour those emotions. There's this pain inside me wondering when would this all end. I want to start a life on my own. Yes, maybe it is just time to let go and learn to be independent.

I'm grateful of course to the people behind my success but I am very sick hearing from them that I am like this and not like that. For my 22 years of existence, I always obey them, follow them and do whatever they want me to do. This time I just want my life to happen the way I want it to be. I want spontaneity.

Rants again. I am sorry. You'll hear much from my wonders in life this next few days since I am doing nothing interesting in particular this time around.

Emptiness

After waiting for 15 years, last night was a dream come true for me. I never expected that I could meet the backstreet boys in person. I had the chance to watch and hear them sing live.

I spent 3,810 php just to have a descent seat and to satisfy myself. I have no regrets. I was such a fan girl, upon reviewing my videos for the night, I was kinda ashamed because I sang with them and and my voice is really that bad. Maybe because of my energy level. Anyway, I cannot do anything, it was caught on camera.

On the other hand, after the concert, I told myself, "What now?". The most precious day that I had been waiting and preparing for is finally over in just a blink of an eye.

This is my sickness, a disease I want to be cured. I don't know what is the matter with me, but when my emotions is at its peak, it will drastically fall down near zero level instantaneously.

Frankly speaking, as I write this entry, my heart aches so much because of various reasons. I do not know why should I again feel this way. I have been avoiding this feeling for the longest time, then suddenly someone will just mess things up. Also, I am quite pressured with the happenings at our home. Things are not going on smoothly here, making me want to spend my time outside.

As a resolution, I will be out entirely this week to do my academics obligations, it is also an excuse to escape my problems in life. I feel empty, alone and afraid because of my stupidity. How I wish I could just forget thing easily and not let my emotions overpower my "critical mind".

duh, another emo entry.

On assumptions

As much as I try to deflect any emotions related to love, admiration and the likes, there will still come a time that I must admit to myself that I am not that numb. This feeling is always making me uneasy and unwell for a very vague yet spontaneous way.

I find it so hard tonight to express what I really feel because I am limiting myself to divulging anything due to privacy of my roller coaster lifestyle. It's really hard to make any assumptions on what we are or what we feel for.

Just like what I learned in almost five years of my engineering course, assumptions are very crucial, with those you can be able to solve problems easily that are meant to be complicated. Sometimes we can assume that the effect of a system is very negligible that will make the problem solvable and less confusing. Sometimes we can also assume that a system is in steady state that what comes in just comes out, no reactions can occur within the system.

Just like life in general, sometimes we can just assume that the feelings of people are mutual to avoid misunderstandings. We can also assume that things happen for a reason, making us accept our actions easily without further questions.

This assumptions are very dangerous because we never really know if it is right. We just make it, we are the one responsible for these dictations. What if the other party, say the system doesn't behave that way? What if the other person is not feeling the same way?

That is the problem now. It is not wrong to assume because sometimes our instincts are really correct but it is not always that way. As I think about things that's happening to me now, I want to believe that it is still safe to be sure rather than just assume.

Anyway, my mind is a blur right now, one may find this entry quite boring and very random. My apology.

Stopping Time

I'm in pain.
I'm afraid.
I'm losing hope.

Let there be enough time. I want him to see me graduate. I want him to be proud of me, her grand daughter who used to bring him pride and honor.

I am selfish.
I am immature.

I can feel his pain and sufferings yet I choose to ignore it and be self-centered. I am irrational because I only care about my feelings. I don't know how to deal with death that is why it is hard for me to let go. I don't know how to handle that situation.

I need guidance.
I need to keep my faith stronger.

Everything happens for a reason. God will never leave me standing alone. I just hope that when that day comes, I have my family and friends beside me for me to accept the reality.