I was truly grateful to passed the November 2010 licensure Examination. It took me almost 7 months to finally get the title of an Engineer. Thinking of it now, what is really lined up in front of me? What path should I really take? I have really no idea what career should I get for my life. There are numerous ideas playing inside my head on what to do. Maybe that is the reason why I cannot choose. I tend to make things complicated even if the answer might just be in front of me. I want to find my passion, what do I really enjoy doing. I am hoping that maybe through that I can manage to find answers.
On the other hand, I tend to write blogs whenever I feel something that I cannot disclose to anyone. So surely, I'm feeling something now as I write this one but this time around it's hard for me to pour those emotions. There's this pain inside me wondering when would this all end. I want to start a life on my own. Yes, maybe it is just time to let go and learn to be independent.
I'm grateful of course to the people behind my success but I am very sick hearing from them that I am like this and not like that. For my 22 years of existence, I always obey them, follow them and do whatever they want me to do. This time I just want my life to happen the way I want it to be. I want spontaneity.
Rants again. I am sorry. You'll hear much from my wonders in life this next few days since I am doing nothing interesting in particular this time around.
"It's not how many years you put into life, but how much life you put into years"
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Emptiness
After waiting for 15 years, last night was a dream come true for me. I never expected that I could meet the backstreet boys in person. I had the chance to watch and hear them sing live.
I spent 3,810 php just to have a descent seat and to satisfy myself. I have no regrets. I was such a fan girl, upon reviewing my videos for the night, I was kinda ashamed because I sang with them and and my voice is really that bad. Maybe because of my energy level. Anyway, I cannot do anything, it was caught on camera.
On the other hand, after the concert, I told myself, "What now?". The most precious day that I had been waiting and preparing for is finally over in just a blink of an eye.
This is my sickness, a disease I want to be cured. I don't know what is the matter with me, but when my emotions is at its peak, it will drastically fall down near zero level instantaneously.
Frankly speaking, as I write this entry, my heart aches so much because of various reasons. I do not know why should I again feel this way. I have been avoiding this feeling for the longest time, then suddenly someone will just mess things up. Also, I am quite pressured with the happenings at our home. Things are not going on smoothly here, making me want to spend my time outside.
As a resolution, I will be out entirely this week to do my academics obligations, it is also an excuse to escape my problems in life. I feel empty, alone and afraid because of my stupidity. How I wish I could just forget thing easily and not let my emotions overpower my "critical mind".
duh, another emo entry.
I spent 3,810 php just to have a descent seat and to satisfy myself. I have no regrets. I was such a fan girl, upon reviewing my videos for the night, I was kinda ashamed because I sang with them and and my voice is really that bad. Maybe because of my energy level. Anyway, I cannot do anything, it was caught on camera.
On the other hand, after the concert, I told myself, "What now?". The most precious day that I had been waiting and preparing for is finally over in just a blink of an eye.
This is my sickness, a disease I want to be cured. I don't know what is the matter with me, but when my emotions is at its peak, it will drastically fall down near zero level instantaneously.
Frankly speaking, as I write this entry, my heart aches so much because of various reasons. I do not know why should I again feel this way. I have been avoiding this feeling for the longest time, then suddenly someone will just mess things up. Also, I am quite pressured with the happenings at our home. Things are not going on smoothly here, making me want to spend my time outside.
As a resolution, I will be out entirely this week to do my academics obligations, it is also an excuse to escape my problems in life. I feel empty, alone and afraid because of my stupidity. How I wish I could just forget thing easily and not let my emotions overpower my "critical mind".
duh, another emo entry.
Monday, February 22, 2010
On assumptions
As much as I try to deflect any emotions related to love, admiration and the likes, there will still come a time that I must admit to myself that I am not that numb. This feeling is always making me uneasy and unwell for a very vague yet spontaneous way.
I find it so hard tonight to express what I really feel because I am limiting myself to divulging anything due to privacy of my roller coaster lifestyle. It's really hard to make any assumptions on what we are or what we feel for.
Just like what I learned in almost five years of my engineering course, assumptions are very crucial, with those you can be able to solve problems easily that are meant to be complicated. Sometimes we can assume that the effect of a system is very negligible that will make the problem solvable and less confusing. Sometimes we can also assume that a system is in steady state that what comes in just comes out, no reactions can occur within the system.
Just like life in general, sometimes we can just assume that the feelings of people are mutual to avoid misunderstandings. We can also assume that things happen for a reason, making us accept our actions easily without further questions.
This assumptions are very dangerous because we never really know if it is right. We just make it, we are the one responsible for these dictations. What if the other party, say the system doesn't behave that way? What if the other person is not feeling the same way?
That is the problem now. It is not wrong to assume because sometimes our instincts are really correct but it is not always that way. As I think about things that's happening to me now, I want to believe that it is still safe to be sure rather than just assume.
Anyway, my mind is a blur right now, one may find this entry quite boring and very random. My apology.
I find it so hard tonight to express what I really feel because I am limiting myself to divulging anything due to privacy of my roller coaster lifestyle. It's really hard to make any assumptions on what we are or what we feel for.
Just like what I learned in almost five years of my engineering course, assumptions are very crucial, with those you can be able to solve problems easily that are meant to be complicated. Sometimes we can assume that the effect of a system is very negligible that will make the problem solvable and less confusing. Sometimes we can also assume that a system is in steady state that what comes in just comes out, no reactions can occur within the system.
Just like life in general, sometimes we can just assume that the feelings of people are mutual to avoid misunderstandings. We can also assume that things happen for a reason, making us accept our actions easily without further questions.
This assumptions are very dangerous because we never really know if it is right. We just make it, we are the one responsible for these dictations. What if the other party, say the system doesn't behave that way? What if the other person is not feeling the same way?
That is the problem now. It is not wrong to assume because sometimes our instincts are really correct but it is not always that way. As I think about things that's happening to me now, I want to believe that it is still safe to be sure rather than just assume.
Anyway, my mind is a blur right now, one may find this entry quite boring and very random. My apology.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Stopping Time
I'm in pain.
I'm afraid.
I'm losing hope.
Let there be enough time. I want him to see me graduate. I want him to be proud of me, her grand daughter who used to bring him pride and honor.
I am selfish.
I am immature.
I can feel his pain and sufferings yet I choose to ignore it and be self-centered. I am irrational because I only care about my feelings. I don't know how to deal with death that is why it is hard for me to let go. I don't know how to handle that situation.
I need guidance.
I need to keep my faith stronger.
Everything happens for a reason. God will never leave me standing alone. I just hope that when that day comes, I have my family and friends beside me for me to accept the reality.
I'm afraid.
I'm losing hope.
Let there be enough time. I want him to see me graduate. I want him to be proud of me, her grand daughter who used to bring him pride and honor.
I am selfish.
I am immature.
I can feel his pain and sufferings yet I choose to ignore it and be self-centered. I am irrational because I only care about my feelings. I don't know how to deal with death that is why it is hard for me to let go. I don't know how to handle that situation.
I need guidance.
I need to keep my faith stronger.
Everything happens for a reason. God will never leave me standing alone. I just hope that when that day comes, I have my family and friends beside me for me to accept the reality.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Life as I Know It
The clock is tickling... Do I have enough time?
I have witnessed the beauty and nightmare of LIFE for almost 22 years. There are so many what ifs at the back of my mind. I was wondering if life for me is meant to be like this, a cycle of ups and downs, a sinusoidal wave of emotions having a maximum and minimum point. Most of the time, memories of hurt, fear, disappointment prevails over the times of joy, happiness and success. Why is that so? Negative flashbacks are so vivid compared to the positive ones.
I have a theory that all my unhappy experiences in life were more dominant (in terms of memory recall) because it is from those memories I get inspirations to become a better me. The lessons I learned from those helped mold me to become a stronger and a more mature person.
I am becoming more sentimental these days for no specific reason at all. I have been reflecting more often nowadays compared before. Life for me is not that complex. I am still torn between the idea of destiny and free will. There are times that I feel that it is us that makes life complicated, the choices we make in our everyday lives yields to what we are and who we are. On the other hand, there are also times that I feel that there are some other great forces involved that we cannot control affecting the cycle and routine of life.
BUT, there is one thing I am sure of, and I am proud to say that I know God never made my life unfair. Challenges were brought for me to find solutions. Obstacles were presented for me to strengthen my faith. Blessings were given for me not forget to be grateful. Success were encountered for me to have humility.
I have witnessed the beauty and nightmare of LIFE for almost 22 years. There are so many what ifs at the back of my mind. I was wondering if life for me is meant to be like this, a cycle of ups and downs, a sinusoidal wave of emotions having a maximum and minimum point. Most of the time, memories of hurt, fear, disappointment prevails over the times of joy, happiness and success. Why is that so? Negative flashbacks are so vivid compared to the positive ones.
I have a theory that all my unhappy experiences in life were more dominant (in terms of memory recall) because it is from those memories I get inspirations to become a better me. The lessons I learned from those helped mold me to become a stronger and a more mature person.
I am becoming more sentimental these days for no specific reason at all. I have been reflecting more often nowadays compared before. Life for me is not that complex. I am still torn between the idea of destiny and free will. There are times that I feel that it is us that makes life complicated, the choices we make in our everyday lives yields to what we are and who we are. On the other hand, there are also times that I feel that there are some other great forces involved that we cannot control affecting the cycle and routine of life.
BUT, there is one thing I am sure of, and I am proud to say that I know God never made my life unfair. Challenges were brought for me to find solutions. Obstacles were presented for me to strengthen my faith. Blessings were given for me not forget to be grateful. Success were encountered for me to have humility.
Life is beautiful and it just keeps on getting better
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
brain drain
I never felt this tired. Never been doing acads almost 24/7. I'm really lost with my thesis. It sucks because I wasted my entire 1st semester. I never had the chance to do preliminary experiments to check if my proposal was feasible.
Should not be this negative. Should not be this pessimistic. Should be doing researches now to check for other ways to improve my methodology.
I'm stuck with my biology 1 review for tomorrow's examination.
What a geek way of stating my feelings, huh? Anyway, I am still hoping that this is just a challenge that I could surpass. I won't give up even though it means that I will work hard this last remaining days of my last semester in college. I can do this. I believe that God will help me think of a way to fight this obstacle. :D I have faith.
Should not be this negative. Should not be this pessimistic. Should be doing researches now to check for other ways to improve my methodology.
I'm stuck with my biology 1 review for tomorrow's examination.
What a geek way of stating my feelings, huh? Anyway, I am still hoping that this is just a challenge that I could surpass. I won't give up even though it means that I will work hard this last remaining days of my last semester in college. I can do this. I believe that God will help me think of a way to fight this obstacle. :D I have faith.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
welcome 2010
It's not yet late for me to welcome 2010. By the way, I used to be a multiply blogger, I just decided to create an account here for a change, and of course to try new things.
2010. I sense that this year would be a busy year for me.Thesis, plant design, graduation, job hunting, board exam, celebrations of life, etc. I am torn. I am afraid. I am excited. What's in store for me? What obstacles await me? What blessings shall I face? What now?
Torn, to what path should I take after graduation. Should I be concentrating in reviewing for my board exam? Should I apply in an industry and be a hard-core engineer? Should I venture in the corporate world? Or should I just take the academe opportunity and teach in a high school?
Afraid, to be independent and to face reality. Almost 22 years of being close to my family and being dependent on my parents' support, this is a great challenge for me. How will I be able to budget myself? How can I help my family, how will I make them happy and not disappoint them?
Excited, to see the beauty of life, to make my own adventure and to try new things. This is a new phase, a new beginning. Adrenaline rush all over just the thought of all the possible opportunities I could have after graduation.
What now? I should graduate first. I should give my all in passing all my subjects this semester. Extra-curricular should be balanced with my academics performance. First thing first. I have goals, I have vision. I have to execute those properly.
I am optimistic. I am strong. I have faith in God Almighty. Trials may come and go but I know God is always beside me to help me cope. 2010 will be a better me.
I dream, I believe, I pray, I hope, I know 2010 will be a wonderful year. As I always say,
2010. I sense that this year would be a busy year for me.Thesis, plant design, graduation, job hunting, board exam, celebrations of life, etc. I am torn. I am afraid. I am excited. What's in store for me? What obstacles await me? What blessings shall I face? What now?
Torn, to what path should I take after graduation. Should I be concentrating in reviewing for my board exam? Should I apply in an industry and be a hard-core engineer? Should I venture in the corporate world? Or should I just take the academe opportunity and teach in a high school?
Afraid, to be independent and to face reality. Almost 22 years of being close to my family and being dependent on my parents' support, this is a great challenge for me. How will I be able to budget myself? How can I help my family, how will I make them happy and not disappoint them?
Excited, to see the beauty of life, to make my own adventure and to try new things. This is a new phase, a new beginning. Adrenaline rush all over just the thought of all the possible opportunities I could have after graduation.
What now? I should graduate first. I should give my all in passing all my subjects this semester. Extra-curricular should be balanced with my academics performance. First thing first. I have goals, I have vision. I have to execute those properly.
I am optimistic. I am strong. I have faith in God Almighty. Trials may come and go but I know God is always beside me to help me cope. 2010 will be a better me.
I dream, I believe, I pray, I hope, I know 2010 will be a wonderful year. As I always say,
Life just keeps on getting better
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