After waiting for 15 years, last night was a dream come true for me. I never expected that I could meet the backstreet boys in person. I had the chance to watch and hear them sing live.
I spent 3,810 php just to have a descent seat and to satisfy myself. I have no regrets. I was such a fan girl, upon reviewing my videos for the night, I was kinda ashamed because I sang with them and and my voice is really that bad. Maybe because of my energy level. Anyway, I cannot do anything, it was caught on camera.
On the other hand, after the concert, I told myself, "What now?". The most precious day that I had been waiting and preparing for is finally over in just a blink of an eye.
This is my sickness, a disease I want to be cured. I don't know what is the matter with me, but when my emotions is at its peak, it will drastically fall down near zero level instantaneously.
Frankly speaking, as I write this entry, my heart aches so much because of various reasons. I do not know why should I again feel this way. I have been avoiding this feeling for the longest time, then suddenly someone will just mess things up. Also, I am quite pressured with the happenings at our home. Things are not going on smoothly here, making me want to spend my time outside.
As a resolution, I will be out entirely this week to do my academics obligations, it is also an excuse to escape my problems in life. I feel empty, alone and afraid because of my stupidity. How I wish I could just forget thing easily and not let my emotions overpower my "critical mind".
duh, another emo entry.
"It's not how many years you put into life, but how much life you put into years"
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
On assumptions
As much as I try to deflect any emotions related to love, admiration and the likes, there will still come a time that I must admit to myself that I am not that numb. This feeling is always making me uneasy and unwell for a very vague yet spontaneous way.
I find it so hard tonight to express what I really feel because I am limiting myself to divulging anything due to privacy of my roller coaster lifestyle. It's really hard to make any assumptions on what we are or what we feel for.
Just like what I learned in almost five years of my engineering course, assumptions are very crucial, with those you can be able to solve problems easily that are meant to be complicated. Sometimes we can assume that the effect of a system is very negligible that will make the problem solvable and less confusing. Sometimes we can also assume that a system is in steady state that what comes in just comes out, no reactions can occur within the system.
Just like life in general, sometimes we can just assume that the feelings of people are mutual to avoid misunderstandings. We can also assume that things happen for a reason, making us accept our actions easily without further questions.
This assumptions are very dangerous because we never really know if it is right. We just make it, we are the one responsible for these dictations. What if the other party, say the system doesn't behave that way? What if the other person is not feeling the same way?
That is the problem now. It is not wrong to assume because sometimes our instincts are really correct but it is not always that way. As I think about things that's happening to me now, I want to believe that it is still safe to be sure rather than just assume.
Anyway, my mind is a blur right now, one may find this entry quite boring and very random. My apology.
I find it so hard tonight to express what I really feel because I am limiting myself to divulging anything due to privacy of my roller coaster lifestyle. It's really hard to make any assumptions on what we are or what we feel for.
Just like what I learned in almost five years of my engineering course, assumptions are very crucial, with those you can be able to solve problems easily that are meant to be complicated. Sometimes we can assume that the effect of a system is very negligible that will make the problem solvable and less confusing. Sometimes we can also assume that a system is in steady state that what comes in just comes out, no reactions can occur within the system.
Just like life in general, sometimes we can just assume that the feelings of people are mutual to avoid misunderstandings. We can also assume that things happen for a reason, making us accept our actions easily without further questions.
This assumptions are very dangerous because we never really know if it is right. We just make it, we are the one responsible for these dictations. What if the other party, say the system doesn't behave that way? What if the other person is not feeling the same way?
That is the problem now. It is not wrong to assume because sometimes our instincts are really correct but it is not always that way. As I think about things that's happening to me now, I want to believe that it is still safe to be sure rather than just assume.
Anyway, my mind is a blur right now, one may find this entry quite boring and very random. My apology.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Stopping Time
I'm in pain.
I'm afraid.
I'm losing hope.
Let there be enough time. I want him to see me graduate. I want him to be proud of me, her grand daughter who used to bring him pride and honor.
I am selfish.
I am immature.
I can feel his pain and sufferings yet I choose to ignore it and be self-centered. I am irrational because I only care about my feelings. I don't know how to deal with death that is why it is hard for me to let go. I don't know how to handle that situation.
I need guidance.
I need to keep my faith stronger.
Everything happens for a reason. God will never leave me standing alone. I just hope that when that day comes, I have my family and friends beside me for me to accept the reality.
I'm afraid.
I'm losing hope.
Let there be enough time. I want him to see me graduate. I want him to be proud of me, her grand daughter who used to bring him pride and honor.
I am selfish.
I am immature.
I can feel his pain and sufferings yet I choose to ignore it and be self-centered. I am irrational because I only care about my feelings. I don't know how to deal with death that is why it is hard for me to let go. I don't know how to handle that situation.
I need guidance.
I need to keep my faith stronger.
Everything happens for a reason. God will never leave me standing alone. I just hope that when that day comes, I have my family and friends beside me for me to accept the reality.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)